“Service. This gesture is the condition to enter the kingdom of heaven. Yes, to serve… everyone. But the Lord, in the words he exchanged with Peter (cf. Jn 13:6-9), makes him realise that to enter the kingdom of heaven we must let the Lord serve us, that the servant of God be our servant. And this is hard to understand. If I do not let the Lord be my servant, do not let the Lord wash me, help me grow, forgive me, then I will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Pope Francis
I joined the Carmelite Order as a Novice in 2005 and for many years after that, many people would ask to hear my vocation story and it became easy for me to outline it depending on the audience. As the years have progressed, the ‘Why did you join the Carmelites?’, question doesn’t get asked that much, subsequently when it does, I am usually caught off guard and I find it difficult to articulate the answer. Reflecting on why this is the case, I’ve realised why I joined is not why I stay.
Recently, I was reflecting on my vocational journey for a Spiritual Direction course that I am undertaking, I would like to share with you some of my reflection: Between Easter 2003 and September 2005, I was discerning my call to the Religious Life within the Carmelite Order. Unfortunately, I wasn’t having Spiritual Direction at the time, but I realise that it would have been so helpful. I was fortunate to have an excellent Vocations Director, who was able to journey alongside me, I also had a very helpful Parish Priest, and my family and friends were invaluable. Even those friends, who didn’t have a religious affiliation, were able to offer important insights into what I was doing and what I needed to ‘let go’ of.
I had always thought God was calling me to serve him in the Church, at times I had other ideas and I had pursued a career as a Radiographer in the NHS. I can say during this time my prayer life wasn’t fantastic. I was committed to parish activities and helping those who were in need, through my work with the Society of St Vincent de Paul and the Parish Lourdes Group, but as to my personal relationship with God, I didn’t really know where to start and I was never bold enough to ask anyone for help. Amazingly, in the busyness of life, I was guided to spend the Easter Triduum of 2003, with the Carmelite Nuns in Birkenhead, I was 25. I was living with my parents, and they lived about ten minutes from the Carmel. It was an Easter like no other. On the externals it was similar to many other Easters I’d celebrated but internally something had changed. I found myself craving to be in the Carmel chapel, the silence and stillness was captivating. As we finished the Triduum, and I went back to work, something had changed, and I couldn’t let it go or shake it off. As I said it was a ‘normal’ Easter – there was no thunderbolts from the sky or voices from heaven telling me what I should do. The only thing I was left with was this ‘unease’.
I suddenly found myself taking my faith a lot more seriously and not just paying it lip service. Through my efforts at prayer and beginning to read more scripture and spiritual books particularly, at this stage, The Story of a Soul by St Thérèse of Lisieux, I was able to start to articulate what my heart’s desire might me. I was fortunate to have a friend in the Prioress of the Carmel, she had taught my Mum before she’d entered, and was willing to speak to me and, as I found, she was able to interpret what my unease might be. With Mother Prioress’ help, I was able to articulate that God might be calling me to the Religious Life.
Wow—what a minefield, where do I start to explore this option? At this stage in my life, I was more practical than prayerful, so I began to research the different religious orders and congregations. With my ‘Easter Revelation’, I had a pull towards the Carmelites, at this stage I didn’t even know that there were two distinct orders, the O.Carm.’s and the OCD’s. It happened that as I researched the internet, very much in its infancy in those days and not the easiest of platforms to navigate, I found that there was a vocation’s retreat at another Carmelite Monastery, for ‘interested potential friars’, hosted by the O.Carm. Vocations Director. I suppose I could say, practically speaking, the rest is history!
Over the next two years I made both an external journey and an internal journey of discernment. I began to connect with God through prayer and spiritual literature and slowly began to understand what God might be asking of me. There were many moments where, I felt, I was journeying one step forward and two steps back. This I now understand as a process of metanoia and kenosis—changing the direction of travel and beginning to detach myself of the familiar, also the ‘self-emptying’ of my own will and becoming entirely receptive to God and the divine will . This hasn’t always an easy undertaking and even after twenty years, it is something that I can still struggle with. What’s different now is that I am in a position to be able to reach out to be able to share the issues I am experiencing, but most important of all I am able to bring all of this to God in prayer and to particularly use the life of Jesus to nourish me and to identify with. I also have the gift of Community within the Order, and this has always helped me immensely. I know that I am not travelling alone and there is always someone, who might have been that way before to help me on the way.
Fr Gerard Walsh, O.Carm.
